Dogs, death, divorce, deliverance

It was four years ago today that my son Rob stepped into heaven. These last four years have been a deep valley I've traveled through which has brought me to new vistas in my walk with God. Robbie's memories don't pierce me as they did when I first wrote this story I'm sharing with you today. His memories are more like whispers now, sweet and nostalgic.. I miss him most when I see his older brother hold his son, or when his friends get married and I watch their lives unfold without him. It's the life he didn't have that can prick like a thorn now.

Also since the writing of this story, his dog Shelby has passed away. Although I would like to believe "all dogs go to heaven". I only truly know that she has been set free of the disease that robbed her of mobility and crippled her. It has to be better for her now.

So on this day of remembering Robbie's departure, I offer my blog to all the road-weary as encouragement and inspiration to live greatly despite your circumstances. To quote my acupuncturist, "A miracle is that we keep going in spite of everything and that we keep looking to and thanking God."

- - -

Robbie's sandcastle memorial

Dogs, Death, Divorce, and Deliverance

There's a young cardinal feeding outside my window. The comb on the top of its head is still small and his feathers haven't yet filled in with red. It chits off and on as a small downy woodpecker shows up and exchanges a chirp or two, fluffs its soft feather-white down and continues on its way. In the distance, I see a wind-mill in the shape of a flower spinning in the easy breeze that blows across the day. A cassia tree is blooming in all its yellow brilliance. 

I hear my son's dog panting quietly beside me after its romp outside with Bacon and Theo, a friend's pets. My first anniversary of becoming a dog owner is in a few days. Before Shelby arrived, I had pretty much been interested in cats; at one time being the feeder of five. One from the pound, another named Gracie who moved back and forth between my son Robbie and me and the others were delivered to my doorstep by God's grace or sense of humor. My husband and I jokingly imagine that it was our cat Suma, the goodwill ambassador, who sent the word out to all the neighborhood homeless that our home was a safe house. Shelby came to live with us last Labor Day weekend when my youngest son had his homecoming in heaven. 

This past year I've learned a lot about dogs and a lot about grief. I could also say I've learned a lot about myself but it would be more accurate to say I learned more about God. Is it possible for me to explain how the pressing in of grief has pressed me into a more real version of faith? I'm going to give it my best shot to explain. 

I had laid awake all night until the tell-tale signs of dawn began to loosen the nights hold on the day. This was the first morning that would dawn over the loss of my son. I was gripped with a deep desolation and fear at the thought of the day dawning. How do I walk through this? I remember crying out to God that I didn't know how to do this…

That morning was a year ago. Since then I still hear over and over again the words of the police officer softly explaining that they found my son and he had passed away. These two sentences still bubble pop into my day like a macabre surprise party. Not nice, sharp and convincing. Robbie was involved in a tragic ATV accident. He was 27. He loved his ATV as much as he loved his dog, Shelby. As I write I hear Shelby snoring softly on the floor next to me. She has finally settled down from her romp with the boys. 

Many storms have rumbled through my life. The difference in the aftermath of the two storms is what inspired me to write this quiet afternoon. In one storm my faith was in myself, I had no relationship with God and then in this more recent storm, my faith was in God. Maybe you've had a few storms already in your life. If you haven't, count your blessings, but know that none of us walk through our lives unscathed. It is my hope that in sharing my storms, it may help you through yours. 

The first storm was my divorce and I didn't know much about the God of the Bible during that time. I was seeking God my way. Sampling what I was going to believe as if it were a spiritual buffet. I sampled 20 years of meditating twice a day to reach God-consciousness; Hinduism, followed the teachings of Ramtha (a woman claiming to channel a spiritual entity) and countless other ways where one could work or think their way to knowing or becoming like God. So when that first storm rumbled through my life I was left with my choice, me. I was lonely, broken, spent, desperate, and hopeless for many years.

As I write this I realize it has been fifteen years since I, through some rather amazing God-incidences, took a look at what the God of the Bible had to say about life, purpose and his love for me, His created. Most of my life I believed in God but now I was believing God. I began to see my life through the lens of a holy God. I certainly wasn't as shiny and bright as I had thought. But in spite of that, there was a God offering grace to me despite all the messiness in my life. Come as you are. 

It reminds me of a poem written by Augustine of Hippo speaking about the lament of a soul who has realized belatedly that God is there, while he was not aware of it. He writes, 

"Slow was I, Lord, too slow in loving you. To you, earliest and latest beauty, I was slow in love. You were waiting within me while I went outside me, looking for you there, misshaping myself as I flung myself upon the shapely things you made. You were with me all the while I was not with you, kept from you by things that could not be except by being in you. You were calling to me, shouting, drumming on deaf ears. You thundered and lightninged, piercing my blindness."

Through this more recent storm, my heart was inclined toward Christ. I had placed my trust in Him alone. I had a strong family of friends who supported me, prayed for me, cried with me and stood beside me and in their eyes, I saw the reflection of God's love. I was surrounded by a deep love I'd never experienced before. Additionally, I experienced a peace from God that was beyond any understanding. How can I have peace when "that" happens? A pastor* I respect greatly explained it as such… 

The how has no human answer. It is beyond human understanding. Human understanding will not be able to come up with an answer as to how you enjoy peace in "that" circumstance. It is suprarational. Reasoning doesn't make the peace happen. God makes the peace happen and he does it in answer to prayer. It's a wonderful experience (paraphrased). 

These experiences of the love and peace that come from God would have just remained something I had read about had it not been for this grief pressing into my life. I'm here to tell you it is a very, very real experience, one that has deepened my faith in a way I would not have thought possible. Know that my peace during this time does not mean I don't miss Robbie. I do, deeply. But I rest in knowing I will see him again, not as he was, an earthly man troubled by sins. But as a heavenly man, as God intended him to be. And I will be the same.

"You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You."

—Isaiah 26:3—

*John Piper