What do you do or say when people are visibly uncomfortable and fall into silence when told a loved one has passed away?
I can forgive you for your facial expressions and even forgive the fellow who took two steps backward and left the conversation uneasily, but I still don't know how to respond to your discomfort. I still don't know how to make you feel better about my situation and I'm not even sure I should have to...
These situations arose mainly on walks with Shelby, my late son Robbie's boxer. I became a dog owner the day after Robbie stepped into heaven.
A couple years down the road of my dog ownership, Shelby developed a disease called degenerative myelopathy. It's a progressive disease that starts in the hindquarters and slowly moves forward. To slow its progression it was suggested we purchase some "wheels" for her back legs to keep her moving about. Despite her handicap, she was a perfectly healthy boxer. Quite beautiful as well. It took her some time getting familiar with her wheelchair, it wasn't something she took to immediately. It took practice for both of us, mainly her.
Because of her disability, many people were curious about her mode of transportation. It was easy to chat about her “wheels" because it wasn't something that you saw every day.
I think I've experienced every different way a conversation can end. Oh, we could be having a terrific chat and then once the question is answered, it suddenly ends as if I had thrown a wet blanket on a frisky fire. Faces go blank, words are mumbled and Shel and I were left standing alone feeling as if we crashed a party.
To make everyone comfortable I shouldn't have to avoid mentioning my late son. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM. Heck, I'm not sobbing in front of you. I'm just remembering someone who was a big part of my life. Don't alienate me, marginalize me or leave me standing alone on this island. It's lonely enough as I grope to discover how to live a "new" normal life as it is.
Shelby passed away this year. The DM monster finally had its way with her. I no longer have the walks but it hasn't spared me from those moments.
Please don't think you are sparing the grieving sorrow by not talking about the ones who are missing from their lives. You are grieving us more by not allowing us to speak their names and remember them lovingly. Ask us questions, how they died is not one of the questions to ask. How they lived would be appreciated.
I want to share with you how much he loved Shelby. I want to laugh with you and remember the day he called and told me he had done exactly the opposite of what I had recommended and gone ahead and bought the dog. I want to tell you how Shelby ate a lightbulb and survived! And a couch to boot!! I want to share with you how my son would watch her as she played with love in his eyes similar to a father gazing on his firstborn. He would have been a good father, like his older brother.
I'm writing this today for those who share similar experiences and also for those who find themselves unexpectedly in a conversation with a person who is grieving a loss. Please don't leave us alone. Smile lovingly, ask us something about our loved one. Don't drop the conversation and leave. Learn how to respond. Walk with them in silence, or place a hand on their shoulder with a gentle squeeze. Empathy, please.
I know it's uncomfortable. I'm not saying I'm good at it either. I bump into losses pretty regular, as we all do on this journey through life. Take a moment to pause and then respond. Practice. "I know it must be hard". "How are you coping?", "Where do you find your strength?". Remember we are here for one another. Be someone whose presence helps someone else take a step closer to healing. I'll try to be that person, will you?
Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Proverbs 16:24
