Shadow of a Doubt

Awakening in the shadow of a doubt.  Heavy and gray.  I passed into sleep last night after having the sweet occasion to be among those who fortify and share the same love for God as I do.  

So this feeling of doubt points to the one who deceives me, attempting to thwart the good intended for me.  

Scripture tells me to look around at my brothers and sisters in Him.  In them I see hearts breaking for those who don't know Him.  In them, I see the desire to reach out and share what has made such a difference in their own lives.  The very thing that gives them hope and purpose.  In them, I see a love for others.  It's in their love that I see God.  He truly works through people.

 My vision sharpens, the weight lightens and I see that what is offered to me is the choice to believe or disbelieve.  Once again my decision rests heavily on the side of belief.  Belief in the One who seeks and saves.  Belief in the One who accepts me as I am and forgives me for all I am not.  I'm at peace again knowing and resting in a love like no other.  What is offered by Jesus is far greater and richer than anything this world has to offer me. 

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless you as long as I live.  In your Name, I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:3-4

Float

Her beautiful eyes are fixed on the sky and I can tell she is listening closely yet every muscle in her little body is still held taut.  I encourage her to relax. Just let all the tenseness drain out of your muscles and let me hold and steady you.  

It’s a beautiful summer’s day and we’ve gone to the community pool to cool off.  My granddaughter is an active five-year-old who loves a challenge.  After swimming back and forth from the side of the pool to my measured distance out into the pool, she creates a challenge by asking me to step a little further away each time she completes a swim out.  I can see her tiring physically, but mentally she was grimly determined to continue to swim a greater distance with each attempt.  About this time I realized there was a teaching moment in the midst of her challenge.  After a few more tries, I introduced a new challenge.  How to float.  How to let go of her efforts when she becomes tired and just rolls over onto her back, relaxes and floats. 

As I hold her tiny lighter than air form above the waterline, I can’t help but realize this teaching moment is also one for myself. My memory reaches back into past times in my life where though mentally and physically fatigued, I would doggedly push myself to continue despite the ache in my bones and the fog in my head.  Sometimes my anger would even become the tired fuel I would spend to accomplish checking off one more "to do" on my mountainous list.  

    

In retrospect and through the eyes of faith, how much easier if I had learned how to relax sooner in my life.  If I had taken some time to fix my sights on the one who holds me above the waterline and encourages me to rest into Him,  much like I was encouraging my granddaughter to do.  

Gradually I begin to see her struggle lessen as she begins to trust my support beneath her.  She experiences her buoyancy as she turns her efforts down and floats.  Her smile lights up my world.

We can light up His world too.  No matter the tempest, storm or workload.  No matter how high the waves or strong the wind, we can relax our struggle and release it into His loving hands.  We can trust him as my granddaughter trusted me.  Our trust in Him can be the smile on His face and a light in the world.

~

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”   

Matthew 11:29-30 The Message (MSG)

The Singer

The day's temperature was just beginning its upward climb toward the nineties.  The parking lot was full but we found a spot reasonably close to our destination that offered a stingy piece of appreciated shade.  As I stepped out of the car the Florida temperature greeted me like a warm hug.  Immediately my ears picked up the sound of someone singing.  I recall having heard this before from a previous visit to this shopping area.   I also recalled the thoughts I had the first time I heard him here.  My heart becomes hard like a sharp-edged rock.

The man singing is standing against the wall of a department store.  He isn't near the entrance to the store so we can avoid him rather easily as we head in that direction.   He appears to be blind as he has a cane next to him and a jar before him.  As my sister and I are walking we exchange some comments about him.   I may have said something to the effect of having seen him here before,  keeping veiled the nature of my inner thoughts.  We continued toward the entrance chalking him up to be one of the many homeless copping a coin. 

As we navigate toward the door his singing ceases and he begins to speak about new life in Jesus.   I pause for a moment listening to him as he speaks truth into the wide-open space of this busy parking lot. He has become a font of spiritual water running like a stream in a desert wilderness. My heart seizes.  I know what it's like to thirst for something and attempt to quench it with what doesn't satisfy.  

As we enter the store the grip on my heart does not relent.  I am unenthused with all the merchandise before me.  What happens instead is all the negative thoughts I've had about this blind solo singer in the past begin to bubble up in my memory.  As I am convicted of this my heart continues to ache and I'm unable to think, let alone shop.  

 I look in my wallet for some bills and find I have none.  I ask my sister if she has cash and she gives me a questioning look but responds with a  yes.  I mumble to her I'll be right back quickly explaining to her that the singing man was speaking the truth and I felt compelled to respond in some way.  

As I exit the store the sound of his song touches my ears once again.  The hardness in my heart eases, the ache lessens.  I walk toward him with purposeful intention.   As I draw up closer to him, I put the bills into his jar and thank him for speaking the truth.  Just as I finish my sentence he stops, turns his blind countenance toward me and asks my name.  I answer and ask him for his.  He is a young man.  It's then that he asks if he can pray for me.  I am caught a little off guard but I respond with a yes.  

I ask him for prayer on loving God in a greater way than I already do.   I know deep in my soul that to love God more would enable me to love others more genuinely.   We bow our heads together and this young blind man whom I've criticized and disregarded in the past is praying confidently for me to Jesus.  He knows Him well. 

As he prays it seems as if there isn't another soul around.   It's as if all the people that were bustling about were swallowed up in a vacuum and all that was left behind were this young man and I standing in prayer before the very one who has quenched our thirst, Jesus. He is there with us.

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 18:20

For days the memory of this parking lot prayer remained as a tangible presence in my life.   Words fall short of the spiritual blessing God graced me with through this young man.  It was supernatural.   Some of the scales that were blinding my eyes dropped away and my heart discovered a greater tenderness.   I chuckle to think I went to give him a few dollars and he gave me a memory that was as precious as pearls.  

I haven't seen him in the area for many months now.  He truly was a lesson placed there to be learned.  And you may wonder if the prayer was answered.  I would have to say the prayer was being answered before it was ever spoken.